Conan the Barbarian (2011)

Conan is just a young boy when his peaceful village of Cimmeria is attacked by a warlord on the quest of the final missing piece of a mysterical mask that can bring back the dead. He is forced to watch and unable to help as his father is burned alive with molten metal. 20 years later, he decides that it's about time he puts his detective skills to good use and hunt down those responsible for his father's murder.

Our Rating: 5/10 - The cast is ok, but it's the usual boy tries to avenge his father's murder style storyline we've all seen before
Watchability: 6/10 - At least it has plenty of action!
Contributed By: WB
Tagline: Enter An Age Undreamed Of

Release Date: 2011-08-19
IMDb icon 5.2/10
  • Country: USA
  • Language: English
  • Runtime: 153
  • Budget: $90,000,000
  • Revenue: $21,295,021
  • Production: Millennium Films

So, how does the movie end??

After Conan spies the heavy captain (without a nose) in the tavern, he gets himself locked up for fighting and taken to the captain's dungeon. The chains are no match for Conan, and after a little Jack Bauer-style torturing he finds out where his nemesis, the warlord Khalar Zym (Taylor from Terra Nova) will be travelling next. He also frees Ela-Shan, to gain a free favor coupon to be used at a later date.

Zym needs to find an individual of ""pure Necromancer blood"" so he heads to a secret monastery.  (Aren't necromancers people who do dodgy things to dead bodies? No? Oh, ok, it's just a similar word)  There is one remaining pure-blood, Tamara, who makes a run for it chased by the pre-historic punk bad dude.

Conan catches up to her runaway carriage, and defeats the remaining bad guys. The punk tries to strike a deal for the girl.  Conan writes a message on a cloth, ties to the bad dude, and then catapults his body over to Zym.  He wants to meet - alone.

They meet, but Zym has taken his little evil-Lyn style witch daughter Marique for backup. She summons sand-men from the ground to attack Conan. Conan defeats them, but can't kill Zym. Conan and Tamara jump from the cliff battlement and swim to a nearby ship, captained by his only friend Artus.

Later, the ship is attacked by the evil female archer and her crew. They must be good swimmers as there isn't another boat in sight for miles. The bad guys are killed, or thrown overboard, by Conan the Pirate and the good guys are free to set sail again.

Conan decides to go it alone for the rest of his journey - and wants Artus to take Tamara away. Artus tells Tamara to follow him onto land and get jiggy a little to make him happy. The next morning she is captured by Zym.

She is taken to another secret location, which doubles as Zym's evil underground layer with obligatory volcano and giant Kraken. Zym cuts her chest a little to take her blood and puts on the mask which starts to come alive .... but nothing much happens, except the mask's snake tails wrap around his head in a towel fashion like he is drying his long hair. Must be an ancient Calvin Klein thing.

Conan uses his old friend Ela-Shan to break into the fortress with a set of olde-worlde lock picks. He defeats the final 'end level baddie' who is guarding the giant Kraken, and then dresses as a monk to get closer to Zym.

Zym is just about to call his wife's soul to take over the body of Tamara when Conan strikes. They fight, the other monks vanish. It's bad timing as there also seems to be an earthquake going on now. They main characters separate. Marique fights with Tamara, and is losing, until Conan finds them and chops off ""Evil Lyn""'s hand. Unable to finish her off, Tamara shunts Marique off a high ledge and the witch is impaled on a rock.

Zym finds the dead body of his daughter and is a little bit mad. Conan and Tamara try to escape the caves, that are now starting to fall apart. They cross a Temple of Doom style precarious rope bridge. She slips and he grabs her but Zym closes in and is starting his magic trick. She is transforming into Zym's (not so beautiful) wife. She wants Conan to let go. Instead Conan destroys the rope bridge holding them, before managing to dive to safety, and the unsuspecting Zym falls to his death. Clearly the mask isn't that magical - doesn't even give him the power of flight.

Finally free, Conan delivers Tamara to her hometown, before he returns to the Cimmerian village and the grave of his father and slams the famous blade into the ground ... but then picks it up and takes it with him. It's a pretty good sword after all, can't just leave things lying around, never know who might nick off with it.

Our Comments:

So it's basically a cross between 'Faster' and '10,000BC'!  At least they didn't cast Liam Neeson in the ""angry middle-class business dude makes carnage in Europe"" style role he owns now!

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